Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Happy Canada Day



There are so many reasons that I love to celebrate Canada’s birthday.
Close to the top of those is the fact that it starts the 30-day countdown to my birthday.
Also, there are fireworks. Who doesn’t love explosions of light and colour?
This column is all about celebrating those things that are uniquely Canadian, the items that showcase our true north innovation.
I told my fellow reporter, Chris Fell, about my swell column idea.
He told me it would be a short column. I bet he’s an American in disguise.
In any case, he’s wrong. So get yourself an iced tea; the list of Canadian innovations is long and illustrious, like this column.
Unique fact number one. Canada’s weather. Of course, Canadians can hardly take credit for divine control of temperature, but they can be credited with some coping mechanisms that have become staples in life today.
For instance, the first air-conditioned and heated railway coach was invented by Canadian Henry Rutton.
The first electric streetcar heater was invented by Thomas Ahearn, who is also credited as the first person to cook an entire meal with electricity.
J.W. Butler, also a Canuck, invented Agrifoam crop cold protector, to compensate for clinging Canadian cold snaps.
This adaptation to atmosphere went to infinity and beyond for Canadian inventor Wilbur Rounding Franks, who is credited with the first invention of an effective anti-gravity suit.
If we can live in the great white north, we can live in space.
Of course, the sparse population and extra space for activities also called for entertaining innovations.
Remember the Heritage Moments shorts on TV? Specifically, the one about the guys throwing balls into peach baskets?
The story goes that James Naismith cut holes in peach baskets and mounted them on walls at either end of the gym to keep the active boys active all winter long. Basketball was born. Too bad the Raptors don’t remember that basketball is Canadian, and should therefore be dominated by Canadian teams.
Another indoor, winter busting activity born in Canada is five-pin bowling. For a while, every small town had a five-pin bowling alley, which was good for Canada, mostly because Canada was all small towns.
Imax movie inventors, Grahame Ferguson, Roman Kroiter and Robert Kerr were all Canadians who figured movies looked better in Imax.
Canadians Chris Haney and Scott Abbott, stuck inside on a winter day, or so it is said, came up with the idea for Trivial Pursuit. Now you know.
Of course, Canucks, being equal to all, didn’t limit entertainment to those old enough to eat solid foods.
Canadian Olivia Poole invented the Jolly Jumper.
Clever Canadians are also credited for the invention of an automatic postal sorter, the garbage bag, UV degradable plastic, newsprint, the goalie mask (another heritage moment), the walkie-talkie, the telephone, instant mashed potatoes, Canada Dry and the McIntosh apple.
Finally, health care seems to be at the forefront of every Canadian’s mind, especially given the unique system the nation boasts.
Barbara Bain, a Canadian woman, invented the Bone Marrow Compatibility test, Dianne Croteau invented the first CPR mannequin and Dr. John Hopps invented the cardiac pacemaker.
The list of innovators in the Glorious and Free doesn’t end.
Happy Birthday Canada – here’s to the clever Canucks.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

No Woe. Fo Sho'.

Recently someone asked me if I was worried about the poor global economy and some kind of extreme inflation that sounded worse than regular inflation.
I said, “No.”
He might as well have asked if I was worried about the recent scientific studies showing Pi may not actually equal 3.14159.
I know, I know. Recession, unemployment, cutbacks, tightening purse strings. I read the same articles, hear the same speeches, watch the same guys with titles that stretch off the TV tell the world to worry.
I just can’t.
I can worry about things like what to wear to that dinner theatre, or what words to put in the first sentence of a story. I can even worry about money, like how long it will take me to be free of the debt incurred during my stint in “higher education.” But I cannot – absolutely cannot – worry about the global economy (or Pi).
Firstly, it’s global. That’s the whole world. And if I’m going to start worrying about the whole world, I’m going to need a lot more chocolate.
Second, it’s not too worried about me.
I’m not being arrogant. It’s true. The economy is now more like the vicious, devastating and terrifying blob, in that 1988 remake of the 1958 film of the same name. Get this, the tagline for the 80s film is “Scream now, while there’s still room to breathe.”
*Insert eye roll here.
The economy doesn’t pick and choose whom to chew up and spit out. It’s not personal, and it’s not the end of the world.
Sure, money is a source of stress, that’s why I’m saying worry about your own and not all the money in the world.
A global view shouldn’t be boarded up, however. There are people enduring extreme suffering in every country, rich and poor. Look at New Orleans.
I can tell you that the global economy isn’t a worry for them. But food and shelter is. Not second house in cottage country on Lake NIMBY shelter. Just a roof and four walls shelter.
I’m not worried about the global economy. Because the economy is up and down, here and gone and back again. It always comes back.
You know, when I read about, or watch movies about those other times the economy decided to take a stress leave, it’s the people that star in films and the characters that drive the book.
There’s no blob without people to gobble up.
I guess I’m a little worried about the global priorities. But the global economy, like that song I watched Freddy Penner sing many years ago, will come back. Just like the cat.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Miss the review, fail the exam.

I took one of those "year in review" quizzes that are posted on news sites around this time of year. I thought I'd do well. I knew a lot about world issues and current events, surely I could summon up a few answers to the year's highlights.

I scored negative eight - and I can't think why. I'll just give you a few examples to prove myself worthy of at least a passing grade. I won't move on to 2009 if I failed 2008, and I can't be held back a year.

Q. January is the season to bowl you over with the Outback Bowl, the Cotton Bowl, the Gator Bowl, the Capital One Bowl, the Sugar Bowl and at least a dozen others, but the granddaddy of them all is missing from this list. What was it, when was it and who won?

A. I'm going to say Rock 'N Bowl, the staff Christmas party, and me.

Q. Who won Super Bowl XLII on Feb. 3? For an extra point, what was the score?

A. I'm pretty sure that was the George Clooney marathon night. I was the only person of 97 million not watching that game.

Q. The 80th running of the Hollywood stakes was on Feb. 24. Name the winners for best actor, actress and picture.

A. Best actor was Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will be Blood.

The Best Actress Oscar went to Marion Cotillard for La Vie en Rose. Best Picture went to No Country for Old Men. The best dressed was George Clooney, and he happened to be my date to the red carpet after party. What? It could happen.

Q. "It's frankly a rather embarrassing matter," said U. S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on learning that ________ ________ had been placed on an American terrorist watch list.

A. It's between Big Bird and Pepe Le Pew. No, Marvin the Martian, final answer. Actually, it was Nelson Mandela. That is embarrassing.

Q. He was caught red-handed in Syracuse, N.Y., and after suggesting to police it was calcium he was snorting, admitted, "Yeah, it's cocaine." Who was he?

A. Dumb. Baking soda would have been a more acceptable excuse. Everyone knows Calcium is injected intravenously. I don't blame Barenaked Ladies singer Steven Page though, if I had a million dollars, and all I bought was a green dress, an emu and gourmet ketchup, I just may turn to the soda myself. You can't buy love, Steven.

Q. American swimmer Michael Phelps, at the Beijing Olympics, won a record total of __ gold medals.

A. Eight, and one more for pulling off that itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, red and white and blue bikini.

Q. Which of the following is not part of the wit and wisdom of the former U.S. vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin? (a) "You betcha" (b) "Doggone it" (c) "Hockey moms and Joe Six Packs" (d) For me the heels are on, the gloves are off" (e) "I can see Russia from my house."

A. I thought her name was Tina Fey.

Maybe I'll try for class clown.